Fight Your Friends

I need friends I can fight with. Okay not a full on punch up but I need friends I can disagree with, who I can feel no way about telling them I don’t support their decision whether that be a lipstick colour or boyfriend. And I need to know that our friendship can survive that.

I’ve always been a person that has treasured my friendships, never the girl to drop her friends when in love. But that’s not to say I haven’t been through my fair share of bullshit with people I’ve thought were my friends. I see people promoting their superficial friendships, and that’s not soo bad, we all have that super fun mate who’s only good for messy nights out (it only becomes a worry when it’s a constant rotation of messy bitches and none of them last longer than a month).

We all have friendships that we outgrow, we move on in life geographically, emotionally, even morally. Unless you really want to it can be hard to maintain friendships with someone who lives in another city or who has slept with your partner (remember those people I thought were friends?) but equally I have friends in America I know I can stay with whenever I need and friendships that I thought had been destroyed by sexual misdemeanors that are actually still going strong today.

I guess the thread is a desire. A desire to make the friendship work that is as deep on both sides and respect. The worst kind of friendship is the toxic friendship – often you don’t realise how bad this kind of friendship is until you are free of it, and these toxic friendships by a lack of respect that eventually causes them to crumble.

I’ve had my fair share of toxic friendships.

Most of them were so self-centred that they didn’t and probably still wouldn’t see any wrongdoing on their part. There was the one who managed to make every situation about her and was so silver tongued she’d convince you she was in the right even when deep down you knew she wasn’t. I don’t need friends who can’t take an opinion that differs from theirs just as much as I don’t need friends who will always agree with me. My best friends are my best friends because they are more than willing to tell me when I’m in the wrong about something or give me a kick up the ass when I need one. They don’t pander to me and that gives me license to do the same for them. Friendship is not all about being in complete agreement.

Then there was another who was so controlling that she micro-managed her whole friendship group down to who could socialise with who and when. She was also gifted in the area of guilt tripping. I found myself having to lie or avoid her calls so that I wouldn’t have to make another journey to her house (she lived ages away and would never come to mine) and then being wracked with guilt as the BBMs came through. I’ve since found out that other friends in the same circle also feel they have to lie so it’s a relief knowing that it definitely is her and not me!

Friendship is a two way street and if both people don’t feel their needs are being met, it begins to become toxic, and withers with unspoken resentment if things are left unsaid. I’m a big believer in Truth Days, a name my friends came up with for a day dedicated to airing grievances, everything they’ve done lately that’s pissed you off and how they’ve made you feel. With the air cleared and everything laid on the table it is so much easier to move on, aware of ways you can improve a friendship that is important to you.

I have friends from lots of different stages in my life and different social circles but one thing they all share is the ability to speak honestly and freely and that is why they’ve lasted so long.

At 18 I was super excited to go on my first ever girls holiday to Zante in Greece. It was the Worst. Holiday. Of. My. Life! Bitching, sulking, backstabbing and tears all week long. One of those girls I’ve never spoken to again, one we had an 8 month breather before a Truth Day that salvaged our friendship and the final girl and I didn’t speak for 2 years but we sorted it out in the end.

That’s the other thing about friendship. Some are just for a time in your life or to teach you something about yourself; a season or a reason. Others can take a hiatus or even a fight and work themselves out in the long run, if both parties are willing; a friendship for a lifetime.