The Upside Down Dream

Friday, 21 March 2014

I'm having my first baby this year.

In another life that statement could have been true. Cocooned by love, that was the agreement my first boyfriend and I came to; he wanted kids before 30 while I wanted to wait until later so we compromised with this year, when he would be 29 and I 27.
This year he turns 29 and is married, becoming a father for the first time last year. He is right on schedule.

I always knew that I wouldn't be ready for kids by now, even back then, and unsurprisingly I still don't feel that it is my time to become a mother. While my ex, who is the picture of settled contentment, is married, has a good job and has moved outside of London, I had a few intensely passionate but doomed relationships before sticking with my current beau and I live the bohemian (here read unsettled) life of an actor.

I'm under no illusions that at that age, comfortable setting down would have been just that for me, settling. I would always have wondered about the characters I could have played in the films I could have made; the wild nights and sordid sex I could have had, the people I could have met, the countries I could have visited. I would have craved it all until I became consumed with feeling unsatisfied and resentment pickled me from the inside out.

That's not to say I don't sometimes envy my ex or my friends who are settled down, married or engaged, soaring up the corporate ladder or planning babies. I sometimes wish I had that reassuring constant in my life and the certainty of a cohesive plan to follow because my life can be so haphazard. But beautifully so!

I have done many things that would have tormented me I had settled down early, experiences I couldn't have even dreamed of at that age. I've come to appreciate lessons I've learned from my unconventional life with its lack of structure. I will not pretend that financial security isn't something I long for but I think I've become more creative with resources and hopefully am becoming better at managing money. Not being tied into an office job has allowed me to explore avenues of creativity I probably would have ignore otherwise. The friends I have made, not only in different parts of the world but also here in my hometown of London, have taught me and encouraged me to grow not just a an actor and creative but as a business person and just as that - as a person, to be more well rounded, more understanding, more forgiving, more open.

I'm not saying my path is any better or any worse than anyone else's, just different. In fact my path currently is a bit winding with lots of forks in it! I'm exploring different options and discovering new dreams along my journey. I don't know if it's an age thing but lots of my friends are currently retraining in different areas or or considering a new career or re-entering education.

If it's never too late to dream it's also never too late to change your dream or add a new dream to the old dream. You don't need to worry that your path has changed a little, it's all part of the journey. Keep dreaming. Dreams are what keep us going.


  1. Amen Shan. This is your path babe. I felt exactly the same as you and still do have that feeling but i'm loving my life and couldn't happier! x x

  2. Shan..... this is so real and open. Really capturing the highs and lows of life for most of us right now.Even when life is a bit haphazard - its is a beautiful mess ♥ love always huni xx

  3. Such a refreshing read, spoken from the heart, some insight into your closed book self! ;-) Wonderfully written,I feel honored to have read, thanks for sharing :-) I see life is a bit of a wild beast sometimes, near impossible to force into any direction, better treated with love and respect to be free. Your journey is full of excitement, passion, spontaneity and you have grown so much as a person as a result. I say run with it, you'll never look back at your youth when you are an old lady with regrets : -) xx

  4. Beautiful! Makes me happy to read and know other people are feeling/have felt just the same as me! I am 28 this year and have lots of friends having babies and already married whist I have decided to make the move to London in July with a fellow single friend to purse a fashion career and hopefully meet a hot guy ha!! Love this :-) xx