The Smug Marrieds

Thursday, 27 August 2015

So, it's happened. My friends have morphed from hilarious, vivacious girls that I went on raucus, drunken nights out with, into smug marrieds who look down at the single girl aka me.

It started slowly. After my birthday in March, two of my best friends worked themselves into a frenzy that I should basically be on suicide watch. Their reasons? I had organised a slap up birthday Sunday roast at my local gastropub instead of going raving, because none of my friends remembered to buy me a cake and because for the first birthday since I was 16 I was properly single. At the time, I was actually super content and happy; having ended a relationship I knew was wrong for me a few months previously, I was spending loads of time with my family and seeing friends, focusing on work and myself. I wasn't thinking about dating and was enjoying being a little selfish with my time. At the time my friends began to express their concern I was at first amused and a little touched and then increasingly pissed off. I was in my 'I'm a wonder woman, strictly a 10, don't need no one but my bullet' phase and they were there feeling sorry for me. I couldn't understand why? I was strong and amazing and most importantly had only been single for mere months, what was their issue? Not cool. I feel like their projected issues sunk in and when I left the euphoric phase I'd been in, they played on my mind. Should I feel sad? Should I be worried I'd die alone, a crazy cat lady? I worried that they were worried and then I found myself actually feeling low. Shit, really.

A few months have passed and I'm doing fine. Swiping wasn't for me (I lasted 3 days before deleting) but that led to judgment or Tinder tourism - friends who wanted a swipe but have a boyfriend and can't. Friends set me up on a few dates, which was actually a fun little experiment and nobody was a douche. But now my friends are getting annoying. They have far too much to say about my current dating situation. When it's okay to sleep with someone, when it's okay to go away with someone, what to do and what not to do if I want it to last, my relationships with my exes. Excuse me, what now? I'm not thinking in those terms at all - I'm happy to date and open to meeting someone, but I'm actively avoiding relationships right now. I want to be really ready and I want the person I date to be really right. But what's worse is the underlying pity in their words. 'We just want you to be happy' as if I don't make myself happy, as if happiness is derived from being one half of a couple. 'I just can't understand why people don't see how great you are' - well thanks, neither can I. 'If you're too picky you'll just push everyone away, no one will be good enough' - or I'll weed out the time wasters and ones I have no chemistry with instead of throwing myself at anything that looks at me?

God, as a former serial monogamist I sincerely hope I wasn't like this when my friends were single. It's annoying and presumptuous and causing me to retreat which is so unlike me as the kind of Pisces who wears her heart on her sleeve and talks about everything with my mates. Pity is the worst ever thing to feel from people who know you and I despise it because I know that I'm a strong person. I get dealt shit; I deal with it. I don't need you to feel sorry for me. I'd like us to have a drink and laugh like we used to. I'd like you to see me as the same person I was when I was in a relationship. And I'd love for you to stop thinking that your insecurities about being alone are also mine.


  1. Wow this really hit me its so crazy i have been single for a year now and i get the same thing its crazy and very annoying. Working on yourself is something that i have always done because we must all grow for the best. Don't worry about them because working on you means the best you will find the best other half :). There is no love like love of one's self

  2. You are amazing. Being single is amazing. Dating you I'm sure would be amazing. Be single the way you want. Date who you want. As someone is who tried to be with you, missing my opportunity is something that stays with me.