Fluff

I've been thinking about sex. Which is funny as I'm not actually getting any at the moment. What started as a dry spell turned into an actual decision to see if I could make it a whole year without any sexy times; I have and still am. It's not for any noble reason, I just haven't found anyone I want to do the wild thing with and not out of any misguided idea that I need to preserve my body or that I will lose the respect of my date if I put out too soon. I don't prescribe to those kinds of restrictive kinds of bullshit attempts to police female sexuality.

I've always been very in touch with my own sexuality, despite attending a girls Catholic school. My mum was always very open about sex; that she has it, that it's not something to be ashamed of. Obviously, when I did start actually 'doing it' I didn't tell her at first (she was devastated) but now we can chat away and weird each other out with tales of the night!

I was that girl who watched Sex and the City and decided as a 15 year old virgin that when I eventually got a boyfriend there was no way I'd be giving head if I wasn't receiving. Samantha Jones was a hero to me, but no more than Charlotte was. Of course, when I was younger I went through stages of calling girls hoes and slags; we have all been conditioned to believe that women who enjoy sex should be 'slut shamed' and are to be looked down on or laughed at. Rightly or wrongly, I would also shout my mouth off about male hoes and men 'not respecting their dicks'. I was a right annoying teenager tbh! I've learned over the years that sex is a private thing and sexuality is not something to be embarassed about or run from. It's something to experiment and have fun with as well as, you know, making babies when the time is right.

People have all kinds of relationships with sex. We all know about people who have had lots of sexual partners who use sex as a crutch, to boost self esteem or as a replacement for real love. I've known people who use sex as power, to control others or to get revenge. I even knew someone who would seek out people who had turned him down when he was younger, who would use his 'fame' to get them into bed later in life; a kind of sexual one upmanship. Obviously not the best reason to get into bed...

Have sex. Don't have sex. As long as you take care of your sexual health and maintain a healthy attitude about why you're having it....enjoy!

The Smug Marrieds

So, it's happened. My friends have morphed from hilarious, vivacious girls that I went on raucus, drunken nights out with, into smug marrieds who look down at the single girl aka me.

It started slowly. After my birthday in March, two of my best friends worked themselves into a frenzy that I should basically be on suicide watch. Their reasons? I had organised a slap up birthday Sunday roast at my local gastropub instead of going raving, because none of my friends remembered to buy me a cake and because for the first birthday since I was 16 I was properly single. At the time, I was actually super content and happy; having ended a relationship I knew was wrong for me a few months previously, I was spending loads of time with my family and seeing friends, focusing on work and myself. I wasn't thinking about dating and was enjoying being a little selfish with my time. At the time my friends began to express their concern I was at first amused and a little touched and then increasingly pissed off. I was in my 'I'm a wonder woman, strictly a 10, don't need no one but my bullet' phase and they were there feeling sorry for me. I couldn't understand why? I was strong and amazing and most importantly had only been single for mere months, what was their issue? Not cool. I feel like their projected issues sunk in and when I left the euphoric phase I'd been in, they played on my mind. Should I feel sad? Should I be worried I'd die alone, a crazy cat lady? I worried that they were worried and then I found myself actually feeling low. Shit, really.

A few months have passed and I'm doing fine. Swiping wasn't for me (I lasted 3 days before deleting) but that led to judgment or Tinder tourism - friends who wanted a swipe but have a boyfriend and can't. Friends set me up on a few dates, which was actually a fun little experiment and nobody was a douche. But now my friends are getting annoying. They have far too much to say about my current dating situation. When it's okay to sleep with someone, when it's okay to go away with someone, what to do and what not to do if I want it to last, my relationships with my exes. Excuse me, what now? I'm not thinking in those terms at all - I'm happy to date and open to meeting someone, but I'm actively avoiding relationships right now. I want to be really ready and I want the person I date to be really right. But what's worse is the underlying pity in their words. 'We just want you to be happy' as if I don't make myself happy, as if happiness is derived from being one half of a couple. 'I just can't understand why people don't see how great you are' - well thanks, neither can I. 'If you're too picky you'll just push everyone away, no one will be good enough' - or I'll weed out the time wasters and ones I have no chemistry with instead of throwing myself at anything that looks at me?

God, as a former serial monogamist I sincerely hope I wasn't like this when my friends were single. It's annoying and presumptuous and causing me to retreat which is so unlike me as the kind of Pisces who wears her heart on her sleeve and talks about everything with my mates. Pity is the worst ever thing to feel from people who know you and I despise it because I know that I'm a strong person. I get dealt shit; I deal with it. I don't need you to feel sorry for me. I'd like us to have a drink and laugh like we used to. I'd like you to see me as the same person I was when I was in a relationship. And I'd love for you to stop thinking that your insecurities about being alone are also mine.

Friendspiration

I think the best people to draw inspiration from are the people you already know.
Sure you can be inspired by the likes of a pop star all over the tele or a blogger that seemingly has everything just by writing a few words online and that's all good, but actually the people who make the most impact on us day to day, are the people in our lives, our families and friends, people at work, partners.

At the weekend I headed over to a friends new home to celebrate her birthday and see how the renovations were going. I was sooo impressed with how much they'd got done and their design choices, even the Christmas tree! Ruth is the second friend of mine to buy a place recently, and while buying is not even in my sights just now, it shows me it can be done and is definitely inspiring.

The girls above are mates I've had since I was 11, we all went to school together and 17 years later are still as close as ever. It feels great to know I've got such good friends but even more than that they inspire me. Life is different for twenty somethings now than it used to be or than we had thought it was going to all turn out. A Glamour magazine report found that 56% of readers aged 29-30 are less financially secure than they expected to be and loads of people are living in the family home. House prices are crazy especially in London, but my mates give me a little flicker of hope!

And it's not just property. One of my best mates Louise (often featured on the blog) is retraining in naturopthic nutrition, whilst working full time and another intends to eventually swap her sturdy secure job in law for the wedding videography business she's started with her boyfriend. It felt great to hear her say that she was a little bit inspired by me, with my not so secure lifestyle but absolute commitment and passion for chasing my dreams. A friend I used to be close to recently called off her wedding to the man she had been with for 8 years, much to the shock of everyone, but is now blissfully happy with someone else, and that has inspired me not to settle for less than I deserve in my own relationships.

Adult life comes with its challenges so I like to find inspiration wherever I can. But it means just that little bit more when the people I'm inspired by are my amazing friends. Here's to h

The Upside Down Dream

I'm having my first baby this year.

In another life that statement could have been true. Cocooned by love, that was the agreement my first boyfriend and I came to; he wanted kids before 30 while I wanted to wait until later so we compromised with this year, when he would be 29 and I 27.
This year he turns 29 and is married, becoming a father for the first time last year. He is right on schedule.

I always knew that I wouldn't be ready for kids by now, even back then, and unsurprisingly I still don't feel that it is my time to become a mother. While my ex, who is the picture of settled contentment, is married, has a good job and has moved outside of London, I had a few intensely passionate but doomed relationships before sticking with my current beau and I live the bohemian (here read unsettled) life of an actor.

I'm under no illusions that at that age, comfortable setting down would have been just that for me, settling. I would always have wondered about the characters I could have played in the films I could have made; the wild nights and sordid sex I could have had, the people I could have met, the countries I could have visited. I would have craved it all until I became consumed with feeling unsatisfied and resentment pickled me from the inside out.

That's not to say I don't sometimes envy my ex or my friends who are settled down, married or engaged, soaring up the corporate ladder or planning babies. I sometimes wish I had that reassuring constant in my life and the certainty of a cohesive plan to follow because my life can be so haphazard. But beautifully so!

I have done many things that would have tormented me I had settled down early, experiences I couldn't have even dreamed of at that age. I've come to appreciate lessons I've learned from my unconventional life with its lack of structure. I will not pretend that financial security isn't something I long for but I think I've become more creative with resources and hopefully am becoming better at managing money. Not being tied into an office job has allowed me to explore avenues of creativity I probably would have ignore otherwise. The friends I have made, not only in different parts of the world but also here in my hometown of London, have taught me and encouraged me to grow not just a an actor and creative but as a business person and just as that - as a person, to be more well rounded, more understanding, more forgiving, more open.

I'm not saying my path is any better or any worse than anyone else's, just different. In fact my path currently is a bit winding with lots of forks in it! I'm exploring different options and discovering new dreams along my journey. I don't know if it's an age thing but lots of my friends are currently retraining in different areas or or considering a new career or re-entering education.

If it's never too late to dream it's also never too late to change your dream or add a new dream to the old dream. You don't need to worry that your path has changed a little, it's all part of the journey. Keep dreaming. Dreams are what keep us going.

The Bright Side

Be nice
Think happy thoughts
Champion silver linings
Love all things (not just cute things like babies and kittens)
& when you love - love like they do in power ballads
(you know like on a cliff with the wind in your hair and your eyes shut, knowing you'll never know another love like this)
Watch out for dogpoo
Smile at people - even grumpy ones
Be nice
(oh I said that already)
Remember that anything is possible
& whatever you do
always try to
look on
The Bright Side

(this message is on the back of all the cards by The Bright Side. I love it!)